The following is a transcript of a conversation that took place earlier today.
(Disclaimer: Some, or all, of the transcript may be made-up – probably all.)
Sir Lynton Crosby: “Oi! Jimmy! Have you heard his speech? Have you seen the polls? C’mon there cobber, we need some action. Now!”
James Harding: “Sir Lynton sir, we are in control of the situation. Laura, Norman, Nick and Emily are prepped and ready for action. There is no need to worry I assure you.”
Crosby: “No need to worry!? Are you shitting on my barbie there? Did you hear Corbyn? The guy was coherent, consistent, intelligent, truthful; he sounded like he knew what he was talking about, knew his history and had a workable plan. I’m squatting here listening to that strangling my emu. He’s like the opposite of that dippy drone we’ve got. We need to get down and grind him. You understand poshboy?”
Harding: “Yes, Sir Lynton, sir. One of our key men Norman Smith has already used ‘controversial’ randomly to describe Corbyn’s speech. We feel that sets the right misrepresentation. We can’t just pile right in. Also, we need to link in with some ex-Labour bigwigs from Blair’s cabinet. Our plan of action is mapped out cleverly.”
Crosby: “Norman Smith? The guy always looks like he’s just been snubbed in public by his own dog. He couldn’t even handle that weirdly-dressed jobsworth at the House of Commons who told him he couldn’t film there. You need to get stuck right in hard and keep it rammed in. Come at Corbyn from all angles. Balls to facts. Bamboozle the public. Repeat: ‘IRA! Hamas!’ It’s easy. None of this ‘ooh, it’s controversial.’ Norman Smith? We need Shane Warne there and you’re giving me Peter Bloody Such.”
Harding: “Sir Lynton, sir, what we are trying to do is persuade the public against Corbyn by implying that the public are already against him. It’s a tried and trusted method of directing support to or away from a political view. Our team is very experienced. John Humprys has been dong it since the Boer War.”
Crosby: “Look mate, do you want me to get Rupert to call you? Is that want you want? Get it sorted. Quickly. Completely. Sorted. A lot of my mates in the Virgin Isles have got a lot of untaxed dollars riding on this election. Slam Corbyn now. Or, do I have to say ‘charter renewal’ to you again. Do I? It made you cry last time.
Harding: “Yes, Sr Lynton sir, oh, he’s gone.