A day of Eton College’s timetable for sixth-formers has been leaked.
8-30: Markets review: Pupils review yesterday’s stock exchange and discuss their investments. The pupil who had the most lucrative day receives ten hectares of land stolen from an indigenous farmer in Africa, Asia or South America.
9-30: English literature: Uproarious laughter abounds as pupils recite their favourite passages from the novels of Charles Dickens.
10-10: Geography: Arable land in the Cayman Islands.
11-00: Psychology: As part of the Deception course guest speaker and alumnus David Cameron describes skills needed to evade, obfuscate and lie including a demonstration accompanied by alumnus Douglas Murray role-playing as a journalist.
12-15: Lunch, followed by a nap.
1-00: Business skills (tax): Practical lesson in which pupils, as owners of imaginary businesses in a mock scenario, use skills learnt earlier in the course to avoid as much tax as possible in a financial year. Pupils who pay more than 1% tax have to wear the uniform of a public service employee for the remainder of the day, including the shoes.
2-45: History: From Benito Mussolini to Shanker Singham – Libertarianism’s greatest achievers.
3-45: Tea, followed by a nap.
4-15: Careers advice: Guidance on how to assume a lucrative role in politics, law, business or writing without the necessity of knowledge or hard work.
5-15: Laundry: Pupils assist the college’s finance team with book-keeping.