Transcript of Boris Johnson’s speech to parliament on July 18th:
“I recently resigned as, er … <checks notes> … Foreign Secretary. Really? Foreign Secretary. I don’t remember doing that. Well, whatever, I recently resigned from something because the prime minister’s latest fudge about Brexit, due to be rejected by the EU very soon, did not satisfy the disaster capitalists for whom I work.
“Yes. it didn’t please them at all. The only option that would satisfy those nice slavering, salivating, extremist economic libertarians would be a complete break from all those nasty EU laws, regulations and checks that are a hindrance to absolute exploitation. How on earth, or anywhere else, is an honest thief supposed to make millions in unearned, untaxed wealth if there are bureaucrats in Brussels telling them that workers’ need reasonable hours of work, and holiday and sick pay, and that people need edible food and even healthcare?
“I have campaigned short and softly for … <check notes> … Brexit for some time. It has been a passion for me. Ever since I wrote two essays a few weeks before the referendum, one in favour of staying in the EU and one in favour of leaving, and hawked myself to the higher bidder, I have worked occasionally to support leaving the EU. I have been happy to meet some of the most odious twerps imaginable and stand stupidly in front of buses and banners, sometimes both, displaying my support for actions that will harm the majority of the British people but enrich a small elite of vagabonds.
“My education at the Eton machine taught me that society – the people – are there to be exploited, by whatever means necessary and available. I was also taught at length how to be deceptive, to obfuscate, to cheat and to lie relentlessly. It is a fine college doing fine work. Ask my esteemed colleagues David Cameron or Jacob Rees-Mogg or that data fellow Alexander Nix. Happy days. I have always sought to bring what I learnt at Eton into my political life and a trail of con-tricks, confidence tricks and millions upon millions of wasted public money will forever stand as a testament to my schooling.
“But, I digress. On the matter of my resignation, the time had apparently come when I had to make a dramatic gesture. To be honest (for a change), I don’t see what’s different myself, but, apparently, others think there’s to be a leadership challenge and that I should go for it. Sounds like a laugh. Is Murdoch’s little gimp Gove going to stab me in the back again? He’s not laughing. Anyway, I had to resign because the prime minster’s plan was insufficient or something, even though she gladly accepted all the amendments that the ERG Tories added, meaning she’d already scuppered her own plan and I needn’t have resigned. Gove’s laughing now.
“My leadership challenge, which doesn’t exist, has the full backing of several of my fellow Tories, and you all know how reliable they are when they make proclamations of support prior to a vote, and the backing of seven times failed parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage, of two-shirted red-faced raving white supremacist Steve Bannon and of Donald Trump who said he would support me … <checks notes> … wouldn’t support me … <checks notes> … would support me; yes, well, leave that one as a ‘maybe.’
“My indecision, obfuscations, permanent confusion, incoherence, dead cats and wibble have got me a long way in my political life, much to the distress of those who voted for me and those who didn’t, and I intend to continue to use these skills in whatever way I accidentally do.
“Finally, I would like to thank Mr. and Mrs. Foundation and their daughter Legatum; <taps nose> … you know what you did. I want to give my full support to my successor … <checks notes> … Jeremy Hunt. What? Seriously? Bloody hell, he’ll privatise foreign. Er, I’m sure he will continue my good work, whatever the hell that was. Oh, can someone do something about that lawyer that keeps calling about a women in Iran? Buggered if I know what that is about. <farts>”