Large room at Chequers. Prime Minister, members of his cabinet and advisers are sat or stood about the room. Bored faces, tired eyes and wads of paper fill the room.
The Prime Minister asks for quiet.
Johnson: Right. Let’s be quick about this. We’ve all got multiple expenses-funded homes to go to. First up, that Yellowspanner leak has
Javid, interrupting: Hammer
Javid: It’s Yellowhammer.
Johnson: Ah, yes. Well, Yellowhammer gave the hacks in the press an opportunity to have meandering conversations about gradations of doomsday. So, that’s a good distraction.
Cummings: Thank you, Prime Minister.
Johnson: Thank you Philip.
Cummings: Ha ha. Yes.
Johnson: We’ve got nine weeks left before we’re out, then a week or so of destruction of society and annihilation of public infrastructure by copious use of “emergency laws” <laughs> and then we can all sod off never to be seen again. I know it’s a bore and repetitive but let’s get through it. There’s offshore gold at the end of the Brexit rainbow for all of us…….who are in this room.
Johnson: Most of us in this room. Kwasi, how did the TV interviews go?
Kwarteng: As the Queen’s minister and an old Etonian I sat, leant back ever so slightly to enable me to look down on the interviewer and I talked absolute balderdash.
Johnson and Rees-Mogg: <incoherent excited noises>
Kwarteng: As the Queen’s minister and an old Etonian I must say it irks me that some of those BBC types went to lesser schools like Malvern or Radley.
Johnson and Rees-Mogg: <incoherent disgusted noises>
Johnson: Thank you Kwasi. Now, some good news. We have devised a plan to avoid paying back all those National Insurance payments as pensions. We’ve spent the money several times anyway. The plan is
Patel: Hang ’em.
Johnson: What? No, that’s not it. <points> Jo, make yourself useful and jimmy open that coffin.
Jo Johnson opens a coffin with a crowbar. Ashen-faced Iain Duncan-Smith emerges slowly.
Johnson: Hello there old boy. I’ve told everyone that we have a marvellous idea to deal with all those pensioners wanting their money back to scrape a living on but I’d like to give you the honour of explaining it.
Duncan-Smith: Thank you Prime Minister. I have found the solution. The fi…whoops, not that. I mean I have found the best solution. Best. My solution is I propose to give all the eager older people a wonderful opportunity in their later years to feel empowered, emboldened, important and free. It is unpatriotic to make these eager older people stop work when they are 65, er, 67, is it 68? Whatever it is now. It is unfair to them. It is unconservative. It is politically correct nonsense. It is against freedom. It is the work of the devil Marx himself….. Prime Minister, our plan is that we will let the eager older people have their freedom to work until they are 75. Their freedom. The most noble human attribute: Freedom! Do we like that? <raises voice> Freedom! FREEDOM!
Duncan-Smith punches the air as cheers fill the room followed by chants of “Freedom!”
Johnson: Excellent. Marvellous Iain. We can always find another misuse of “freedom.”
Westley: Can I promote this? Please let me do the promotion. I’d be great at this. I love freedom. That’s why I got interested in politics. Freedom. Freedom!
Johnson: Maybe. Have you applied for your post-Brexit visa yet?
Silence. Priti Patel coughs without any visible movement and her fixed thin smile unaffected.
Mercer: Mr. Duncan-Smith, would not most of the hardest working people who are most in need of a state pension die before they are 75?
Everybody looks at Mercer, each with a raised eyebrow.
Mercer: Ah. I see. What a good plan. I’ll let the disabled veterans know how much freedom we are giving them at my next £100-a-head inspirational talk.
Duncan-Smith: A slow death is a conservative death.
Johnson: Indeed Iain. I bet no-one has a better idea.
Patel: Hang ’em.
Barclay: Hanging is not an option. I signed an executive order today – you may have seen the posed photo I posted on Instagram – wherein I banned the purchase of foreign rope. Therefore, we have no rope for the hanging, and the ripping and the tearing.
Truss: Does Britain not make its own rope?
Raab: Pork markets. <sniggers>
Duncan-Smith: Would you like to hear the projected death numbers?
Rudd: Never mention the death numbers. I never have.
Hancock: Neither have I.
McVey: Oh, don’t be silly. The death numbers are counting victory.
Johnson: Thank you Iain. That’s wonderful. Now, I suppose we should talk about transport issues.
Johnson: Who’s transport secretary? Oh, crickey. I really did appoint you. What’s happening with the lorries, ferris and whatnot?
Fox, er Green…Shapps: I haven’t a flying f
Johnson, interrupting: Quite. They can use catapults or something. What about EU citizens? What are we doing with them?
Patel: Hang ’em.
Barclay: The rope problem.
Cleverly: Could we use bungee rope?
Johnson: How? It stretches. Don’t you have a snide tweet to send?
Cleverly: Yes, I do.
Johnson, aside to Cummings: I try to keep him busy.
After tapping on his phone, James Cleverly laughs to himself.
Raab: We are not letting them back in, if they are out.
Johnson: Who? Oh, the EU people. What if they are in? Are we rounding them up?
Raab: I, er, we have no idea how many there are or who they are. We can’t tell really because, y’know.
Johnson: Know what?
Raab: They, er, don’t look like immigrants.
Gove: What about this vote of no confidence in you Prime Minister?
Johnson: In us. Vote of no confidence in us.
Gove: Yes, well, what about it?
Johnson: Do we care really? We’re out of here and off to the foot of the rainbow as I said.
Gove: But it might scupper the departure date. GNU and all that.
Johnson: Gnu? What are you on about? Have you been at it again? <sniffs>
Gove: No Prime Minister. Government of National Unity.
Johnson: Oh that. I think our good friends in liberally undemocratic are handling that aren’t they? And changed UK or whatever they are called. Get your friend to have a word with Ryan and Austin and who’s that other one?
Gove: What other one?
Johnson: The other one who left Labour because of some accusations of, er, sexual impropriety.
Johnson: I don’t know the details but what’s his name?
Johnson: She’s stuck. Jangle the keys Esther.
Cummings: His name’s Woodcock. Yes, we can count on him.
Johnson: Good. That’s that sorted then. Easy peasy.
Raab: Easy cheesy eh Liz? <sniggers>
Johnson: I think we can move on to plans for after we’re out. We’ll have to move very quickly with the “emergency” legislation. We need to stick to three simple tasks. Tell them Chloe.
Westley: 1) If it’s public, give it away; TPA has a list of clients. 2) Remove all workers’ rights. 3) Raise the fee for any legal action to a prohibitive level.
Johnson: Good. That’s it. Three simple tasks. By the time the next government gets in everything will be gone, as will we.
Johnson: Liz, did you sort out any giveaways with Bolton?
Truss: I don’t think he understood.
Raab: Did you talk about apples? <sniggers>
Truss: What? No. I talked to him about state schools and about the NHS and how unscrupulous, criminal, offshore, made-up businesses with no principles can acquire huge unending hoards of cash but he just said he and his friend Elliott could get some militias together and blow everything up. I couldn’t concentrate properly because of that stupid moustache.
Johnson: Yes. We’d better save him for other plans, security plans. Would that be a good idea Priti? Would Cressida like that?
Patel: Hang ’em.
Barclay: Bolton’ll need to bring his own rope.
Johnson: Bolton’s talents are varied. On school giveaways, someone should talk to Betsy Davros.
Javid: DeVos. Davros is from Doctor Who. The half dalek man.
Johnson: Is he? That reminds me. What are we to do about Farage? And Banks?
Patel: Hang ’em.
Barclay: No rope.
Gove: We needn’t worry about Farage and Banks. They will be permanently entangled in pointless tit-for-tat legal cases with their counterparts Maugham and Cadwalladr.
Johnson: Ha! There is nothing funnier than a tenacious liberal.
Kwarteng: As the Queen’s minister and an old Etonian I should point that there is one other person of whom we should be wary: The Queen. She could be awkward.
Rees-Mogg: But why? She is one of us. Half of us in this room are related to her.
Kwarteng: As the Queen’s minister and an old Etonian I noticed that some of her family are – or at least give the appearance of being – in possession of, dare I say it, principles.
Rees-Mogg: Kwasi! That’s a scandalous thing to say.
Johnson: It could be true. But, fear not. We have insurance, don’t we Chloe?
Westley: Yes, some good mates of mine in the US have some revealing photos of Andrew that his mum wouldn’t like to be published.
Satisfied nodding around the room.
Johnson: I think we’re done. Let’s eat. It’s chicken for dinner.
Johnson: Don’t be daft. Close the coffin Jo.